dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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