My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So squirting runs in the family.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
