Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
