you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
