how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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