You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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