not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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