Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
