He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
