i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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