I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
