You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
