Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
