How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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