It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
