Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
