my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
