I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
