So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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