you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
