he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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