How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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