I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
