just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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