Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
