I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
