Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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