whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
