please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
