I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
