I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
