Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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