JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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