Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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