you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
