I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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