i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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