Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
