well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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