nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
