She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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