Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
