I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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