there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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