he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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