eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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