I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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