Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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