So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
