You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
