I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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